I don’t know how people are where you come from, but for me, ever since I entered adulthood, there was one discussion that kept on popping on a regular basis each time we were visiting relatives:
“When will you have your first child?”
Years later, we did welcome our son Levi into the family, now 4.
Our life got a new sense of beauty but the intensity of raising a small human being, especially the early years, is draining a lot of days.
Life as a parent changes you and challenges you in ways you can never expect no matter how much you try to read or mentally prepare beforehand.
Sometimes you discover your limits by being thrown into the cords. Months/years of lack of sleep make it sometimes hard to fill all the shoes that one needs to walk in: of a parent, of a spouse, of a career path.
One discovers that they have more in them then they felt it was ever possible. More strength, more resilience, more love.
But sometimes more anger, more frustration, more confusion, more things to work on come to the surface.
In the midst of all this, the popping conversation comes back with a new spin: when will you have your second child?
After thinking about it a lot, reading equally much, listening (many times unwillingly) the opinion of those around me on the subject, here is what I believe in this moment of my life regarding conscious parenting and having another child. Or a first child.
Please know that this is my view on things. There is no right or wrong in how to do things as we are all different in our perceptions and paths. If it feels right, then it’s the right thing for you, no matter what others say.
So here it comes. The order is random.
1) The first question I had to honestly ask each time I was thinking about another child was: why do I want a second child? Do I want to “have” another child or do I want to be the parent of another being with all the responsibilities and joys that comes with? Is this the happiest way for me to spend my years? Is this what I/us as a couple truly want or we feel we “need to” because that is what we see around us? Because of some expectation about the future? Does it feel right, joyous, happy?
When you phrase things like this, perspective shifts sometimes in a big way. If I think: do I want to have… then the answer is yes, yes, yes. We always want to have more.
But when the perspective gets larger, being a parent comes with an army of things. I deeply believe that to raise happy children we need to do our best to work on our personal happiness. A child is not a project to loose ourselves in, it’s a way to self discovery.
2) Would this really make me happy? Going through all the process once again, would this be the best and happiest use of my years? Would it bring me and my husband joy?
I don’t mean that the child to bring joy by what they do which places a certain expectation of them, but would being in the experience bring joy?
Personal happiness is truly important. If we don’t sacrifice our selves (word split intended) for our children, for our spouses or families, we can have happier, better relationships.
The debt of sacrifice is something no child can repay and is a heavy energy that makes relationships between parents and children difficult and prevents the true connection and closeness.
Raising a child should be, in my opinion, an act of personal happiness and sometimes just of self discovery in the challenging times. It comes with enough challenges as it is to add other heavier sacrifices and expectations on the plate.
3) Can I offer all my kids the same conditions to thrive?
Or will be living conditions and opportunities of all family members lessen with each new child?
Can I offer them the same education, travel options while also living my life in a good way? Can I do all this without feeling I sacrificed myself or my opportunities to do certain things I want?
Sacrifice demands something from the other person. The best way to free ourselves from the negativity of these expectations is to try as much as possible to not create them. They are heavy things to carry. Nothing but nothing one can do can repay sacrificed months, years.
We do give our time, sleep, energy but it’s a big difference if it comes as something we give unwillingly while mentally wanting and waiting to be someplace else.
4)Can I offer them the same or close to same energy? The same care so they don’t feel that welcoming another comes with the obligation of giving up their needs , so they are free to enjoy their relationship with siblings? I personally find this terrible complicated to do especially when children are small and need so much energy and care from their parents and close relatives.
5) There is a saying around where I come from that goes: “You should have your children close in age so they have similar interests and are friends” “You should give your child a brother or a sister to play with, to take care of them, etc”.
After a lot of inside thinking this is what goes for me: I believe parents should decide to have another child for themselves and their own joy. For their personal happiness in living the experience of being a parent, a guide for another human being through life.
One can’t go through all it means to be a parent just to give their other child a playmate, to fit a family/society expectation. It is a weak objective that crushes under the duress of comes after.
This objective only can be solved by cultivating friendships with kids their age.
If a couple decides they bring a child in the world for them, then it doesn’t matter the age difference because the relationship that will grow between the siblings will be lovely even if both have their circle of play friends.
Children become close to other children and other people if their emotional needs are met and relationships develop naturally. There are more types of beautiful sibling relationships out there other than best friend.
So this is one question that is very very important: Do I truly want this experience for myself and am I and my partner aligned on this?
6) Which leads me to point no 6 here: My deep belief is that it is not the children’s responsibility to care for their siblings because the parents opted on an extended family, they are also not responsible to take care of parents and their parents needs and take in this way some of the responsibilities of the parents.
Children are responsible just to be and enjoy life (that doesn’t mean not learning limits, learning to be polite with the people around).
We are the teachers of our children but we are responsible to make sure we have a fulfilling life ourselves. Might sound harsh maybe, but once each of us takes responsibility over our own life and choose to enjoy each other rather than depend of another to fulfill needs, we break the cycle of addiction, weakness, dependence of others which leave all the parties involved drained.
Energy healing can help in a lot of ways the journey of parenthood.
Parenting brings forward our limits, our baggage from our parents and own childhood, it pushes us and challenges us. Parenting makes you discover in yourself things you love and things you would rather not be.
As all is energy, it is these programs that you created or inherited from your parents, these stuck energies that we can take out of your energy field to give you the opportunity to be the person you want to be.
Clearing your energy of all the you no longer need or want is like clearing your house. Throwing away all the things that need to go brings clarity and opportunity to find out what you truly want.
December 7 I’m going to launch my new program to clear up the limiting programs to allow you to be a more balanced parent.
I will send you shortly a sneak peak.